


once more

by cuppasunu



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Angst, Blood and Injury, Car Accidents, Cheating, Fluff and Angst, Lee Juyeon/Fem. Reader, Major Character Injury, Memory Loss, Mentioned Ji Changmin | Q, Mentioned Moon Hyungseo | Kevin, Mentioned The Boyz Ensemble, Other Fandoms Not Mentioned in Tags, Romance, emotional cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:02:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29185233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuppasunu/pseuds/cuppasunu
Summary: "how can i forget someone who gave me so much to remember?"where juyeon loses all his memories after a terrible accident. many years later he’s bound to marry another woman—not knowing their photographer used to be his girlfriend of seven years. will he remember their love?
Relationships: Lee Juyeon (The Boyz)/Original Character(s), Lee Juyeon (The Boyz)/Reader
Kudos: 6





	1. prologue.

**Author's Note:**

> hello, hello! i really suck at introducing my works but here's my baby. very proud of her. please enjoy <3 
> 
> disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. i do not own any of THE BOYZ or EVERGLOW members. the places mentioned are in fact inspired by real locations but the story itself is purely from my imagination. check the tags and read at your own discretion. 
> 
> tumblr: cuppasunu
> 
> listening to ... rose by jereena montemayor

**[2018 — y/n’s pov]**

These meetings are supposed to be my favorite.

Getting to know engaged couples and falling in love with their love, it all made the job so worth it.

Knowing that I will be capturing the best moments of their engagement and that very special day is such an intimate connection—giving joy to others, one wedding at a time.

But when I saw your face, the memories came rushing in. Five years seemed like nothing when I laid my eyes on you. Somehow all that I have worked on simply wavered in front of the most significant piece of my past: _you._

“Hello y/n! It’s so nice to finally meet you. Meet my fiancé, Juyeon.”

Your hand was warm despite the cold winter air. Perhaps my stare lingered longer than usual. I’m pretty sure I froze on the spot and stayed there forever.

“Sorry, but do I know you?”

I’m comparing what I see to the image you once held in my mind. Your hair, cropped and freshly cut. You flashed that same old dashing smile that exposed those cheekbones at full display.

And a scar, right on the side of your temple.

~~That’s one thing I’ve never seen before.~~

“W- what?”

Hearing that question gave me the sudden urge to tell you our story right then and there, but catching a glimpse of that ring on her finger convinced me it’s not worth it. After all, there was a reason why that story had an ugly ending.

“Nothing, you’re just wearing the same exact expression people have before they tell me that they knew me. I lost my memories from an accident, so I’ve gotten used to asking whether a person was someone I once knew or is a complete stranger.”

 ~~ _say yes._~~ “No, no I do not,” I lie, smiling.

My stomach twists into the most uncomfortable knots, my mind silently screaming like a mad man. Genuinely worrying whether my discomfort can be seen anywhere through my demeanor, I keep my composure as I force pleasantries with the couple in front of me. I’m beginning to think that taking this offer is a huge mistake. But like the gentleman that you are, you are still giving me that sweet honey-like smile back.

The very same one I fell for 12 years ago.

**[2006 — _flashback_ ]**

_“Alright, make sure you’ll be back at 4pm. Don’t go outside of the park without a teacher! Be safe and have fun!” the teacher tells the class._

_A chorus of yes responds to the teacher before the class scatters to go around the theme park. “tsk they talk to us like we’re babies,” Juyeon mutters under his breath._

_“Lee Juyeon, you’re just 14–you are a child..” you scoffed, eyes are beaming at the attractions around them._

_“Easy for you to say, you’ve been waiting for this trip for forever,” he smiles at you, fond of the way you’re ogling at the vast sea of tulip flowers._

_Making your way down the fields, you pulled your disposable camera out of the bag and handed it to Juyeon. Dashing to the middle of the garden, you strike a pose waiting for him to take the picture. “Oh- you’re wearing my school jacket?” Juyeon points out._

_You looked at the hoodie sleeve that carried his name, “Yea, I wanted to. Do you want it back?” you asked him, still smiling to yourself._

_The boy shakes his head as he tries to keep calm while taking your picture, his heart starts beating like crazy—your adorable laugh telling him to take the picture is not helping either._

_“I’ll develop these pictures okay?” Juyeon tells you, walking around to find other things to do._

_“Wait really? Thanks, how did you know I’ll be too lazy to do that?” y/n says, squinting your eyes at him._

_Juyeon ruffles the top of your head adoringly, not telling you that he’ll be using these pictures for his plan to ask you out. You met Juyeon when you first moved during middle school.  
_

_He may have been quiet and reserved as ever, but he didn’t stand a chance against your unapologetic and bright charms._

_It’s not hard—liking you._

_Although he’s been sporting the best friend role for quite some time now, he thinks that high school is the time to change that._

_What Juyeon didn’t know is how easy his plan will succeed. Even though you’re clueless about your best friend’s feelings, the jittery feelings on your end are all too familiar. You were both young so that definitely plays a factor in why you’re not jumping into anything yet._

_All you know is that you want to be on each other’s side for a very long time._

_“Why do you like tulips so much?” he asks._

_“Juyeon, have you heard of tulipomania?”_

_“No, what’s that?”_

_“Back when tulips were just introduced to Holland, these flowers became the most coveted thing. It was so beautiful that people were willing to bet all their money on something they haven’t even seen before... look it’s cheesy, but that reminds me of love.”_

_You turned to look at Juyeon, “The whole country did go through an economic depression because the prices were too high..”_

_“Hey! That’s not a very happy end to the thought,” he pouts._

_“I guess you’re right, it’s not..” you chuckle, “but that makes love more magical don’t you think? How wonderful would it be to believe in someone so strongly that they’d be worth the risk.”_

_“Yea, take the leap. Do you want to love like that?” Juyeon asks, discreetly puts his arm around you._

_You gulp nervously, noticing how small space has gotten between you and Juyeon._

_“Someday,” bashfully breaking off from his hold, you run away from Juyeon, trying to avoid his eye contact._

_“Y/n, come back,” he walks over to you, already thinking of ways to tease you about your cheesy analogy._

_But deep inside, he was just trying to stop himself from giving you a kiss then and there._

_**you’re right y/n.. someday.** _


	2. chapter one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listening to ... take her to the moon by moira dela torre

> **[2018]**

“So, a spring wedding would probably be perfect for this venue, right y/n?” Juyeon’s fiancée, Sihyeon asks, breaking your trance reminiscing about your memories with Juyeon. 

“I’m sorry, I was distracted... This is where you’re holding the wedding?” you asked, nearly choking on your water.

“Well, the date isn’t until spring next year so we’re still looking for options. It’s funny how my love actually insisted on the idea of having our engagement shoot to be done in a flower field..” she laughs, but hearing that just digs a deeper wound inside you, realizing this is exactly where Juyeon has taken you on dates. 

Taking a deep breath, you excuse yourself and leave the couple to look around the location. Your eyes cannot peel away from Juyeon’s smile, it looks like it could reach from one ear to the other. 

_**he looks so happy...** _

Rushing on your way to the back door, you bump into a person.. maybe two (?) coming from the parking lot. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sor-”

“y/n.”

Hearing that familiar voice, your eyes immediately dart up meeting your old friend, Changmin. You glance past his shoulders—there’s Chanhee and Kevin. _That persistent feeling of wanting to run away? Oh, it’s back and it’s even more intense._

Before you can even move your feet, Changmin grabs a hold of your wrist out to the parking lot, checking if the four of you are out of the couple’s sight. 

“Y/n.. did you meet them already?” Kevin’s genuine concern is present on his face, but you’re not really sure if that’s for you or his dear friend. 

“Did you tell him the truth?” Changmin asks.

“Hold on- I think I need some explanation on my end too! I didn’t know I was meeting him today, much less find out he’s getting married and he doesn’t remember me? What happened? Does he remember you? When did the accident happen?” you finally burst, tears streaming down your face. 

You all stood there in silence, trying to make the situation make sense. Changmin looked like he was going to say something, and his expression seems like he wants to burn you alive. 

“..we should have come earlier..” Chanhee hisses out of frustration while putting the effort of calming Changmin down.

“We don’t owe you anything, y/n. Not one explanation. Especially when you br- _when you left Juyeon._ ”

His stinging words hurt as if they just slapped you across the face. You chose to keep your mouth shut, knowing how much those words may have been painful, it was equally as accurate. 

“Well, you know most of it. Before the accident, he already got rid of all your pictures, memories, everything... So when we found out he had amnesia, we all thought it would be better to not remind him of you,” Kevin explained, “It’s better this way, y/n. They’re happy. He’s happy, now. And all those memories he had of you, it doesn’t hurt him anymore..”

~~_but he forgot all our good ones too..._ ~~

You sink down on the bench, processing the mess you have entered. The concrete was rough as you threw your head, leaning on the wall, “Is it too late to back out now?”

“Honestly, yea. Sihyeon has been raving about your work for months now. She’s been so excited about the thought of working with you but obviously, we can’t stop her without raising any questions about your past with Juyeon,” Chanhee replies, “That’s why we were hoping to catch you before they did in case it all went wrong.”

“.. so she doesn’t know either..”

“She doesn’t. So please, keep this up. Until they get married at least. If you leave now, you’re going to have to explain why,” Changmin mutters bitterly, “Can you really live with the thought of hurting Juyeon again when he realizes the past five years of his life has been a lie?” 

You shake your head, coming to terms with everything that’s going to happen. You stood up from your seat, fixing your hair and wiping away your tears.

“How long have they been together?”

“2 years.”

> **[2008 — _flashback_ ]**

_“Y/n, it’s unfair to be pretty and smart and talented AND be in a relationship..” your best friend, Mina, jokingly complains._

_“And I think it’s time I set you up with one of Juyeon’s friends,” you replied, making the final touches on your hair in front of the mirror, “Hm, what about Kevin? Maybe Changmin?”_

_“Oh no, I’m not a sorry case! I’m perfectly satisfied being single,” she smiles, “Less distractions too, I have college to think about missy.”_

_“Who said that I’ll be abandoning my dreams for a relationship?” you protest._

_“Alright- alright, I know you know better than that. It has worked for more than a year.. “_

_“Two years! It’s our second year anniversary today,” telling her as your ears perk up to hear the sound of your doorbell, “He’s here.”_

_“Now, have fun on your date!” Mina fixes your collar before ushering you out the door._

_After waving your goodbye, you made your way to the gate, light on your steps. Juyeon is standing outside, sniffing a small bundle of tulips before hiding it behind his back when he hears you coming._

_“Hi hun, happy second year anniversary!”_

_Juyeon greets you with a kiss on the forehead before presenting the flowers to you, “Hey babe, happy anniversary.”_

_“As always, you know which one’s my favorite,” you tell him, beaming at the buds of vibrant orange on your hand._

_“It never changes, y/n,” he pokes fun at your reaction, “Actually I switched it up this time. It’s orange instead of the usual pink.”_

_“Ha ha,” you laugh sarcastically._

_While walking to the bus stop, Juyeon tells you that today’s location will be a secret. But judging on the basket he’s holding, it’s not much of a surprise._

_“I have an idea~”_

_“That’s not fair..” he huffs._

_“You baby. Okay, I won’t ruin the surprise. I’ll wait when we get there.”_

_And as you guessed, he picked the Seoul Forest as your picnic location. Thankfully, on this cool spring day, it’s the perfect balance of sunny but windy weather. He lays down a blanket in the shade and sets the food he brought out of the basket._

_“Wow, did you make all of this?” you’re amazed at the variety of snacks he made._

_“I really should say Chanhee did all the work and I just ‘helped’ but I’m always trying to impress you so I’ll take the credit,” Juyeon sheepishly grins._

_“Oh sure, yes. My chef boyfriend,” you say, pinching his cheek._

_Juyeon scrunches his nose upon hearing that—boyfriend. It’s been two years since you gave him that sweet yes to his adorable confession, but he’s not going to get used to hearing you call him your boyfriend anytime soon. Of course, you notice the way he gets shy when you do, so in every possible moment, you made sure to call him that._

_“Right- my gifts,” you remember, grabbing your bag for the small box you’ve prepared to give him._

_With raised eyebrows, his eyes follow the box you’ve given him. Opening the ribbon that tied it prettily, Juyeon scans through the envelopes that carry the letters you wrote. Inside, there’s also a handkerchief neatly folded at the bottom of the box._

_“You can read the letters later,” you mumble, “but quick, look at the handkerchief and check the embroidery.”_

_He touches the edge of the light blue fabric— L J Y with a tiny arrow right beside it. At the same time, you pulled your own handkerchief to show him where you have stitched your own initials at the same place but instead had a heart right next to it._

_You look at his expression to gauge his reaction, and Juyeon’s face says it all. You swore he was so close shedding a tear or two, his eyes watering at the brim. Now, that genuinely surprised you; he wasn’t the type of guy that would seem to be easily moved._

_“Do you like it?” you ask him._

_“Do I like it? y/n... I love it,” he sighs, cupping your cheek on his hand, “Thank you.”_

_You got on your knees to reach over the food and give him a peck on the lips. Feeling his smile pressed against you, he goes back in to kiss you again. It was sweet and tender—the way you would describe your relationship._

_The rest of the afternoon went by like a blur, but all it reminds you was that it was a day well spent._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooh we met the rest of the boyz (just three other members hehe) !! why are they so mad that y/n’s back.. hm? i wonder why :> anyhow feel free to shoot me any asks of your theories muahahahah. i mean the plot is pretty much all done but i’m curious about what you think heehee


	3. chapter two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listening to... it’s okay if you forget me by astrid

> **[2018]**

After taking some time to calm down, you and the rest of the boys enter back into the venue. Spotting the couple sitting down at the outdoor cafe, they have invited you to sit and grab a bite.

“Why didn’t you text me you’re here?” Juyeon greets his friends, “I was waiting whether you guys would even show up..”

“Do you guys know y/n?” Sihyeon asks.

The four of you immediately froze. Clueless as to how the tension between you all translated to friendship but if only she knew their history, it wouldn’t be a surprise that she sensed that you all seemed to be good friends. _it used to be the truth._

“I know y/n,” Kevin blurts out.

You all turned to him, obviously shooting him with alarming glares that said, _“what are you doing??”_

“I just recognized y/n as one of the photographers featured in an art exhibit I went to. I knew that we were going to meet her today so I went and introduced myself earlier.”

The boys secretly sighed a breath of relief when Kevin saved himself from that close call. It also gave an explanation as to why you all looked like good friends, so they seemed to buy it anyway. 

“I remember y/n,” Juyeon suddenly confesses.

Nothing in this world would have you ready to hear him say those words. Even his fiancé looks at you two, probably wondering if this meant he remembered anything before the accident. You looked up to see his face, seeing that he never broke his stare from you.

“You like tulips, right?” 

Your fists start curling underneath the table—knuckles pressing against your thighs. Your voice is failing you, and ended up nodding as a response to his question. 

“Yea, I saw you do a photoshoot- I’m not sure what for but it seemed like a big deal? Anyway, it was memorable because you wouldn’t let them ruin the tulip field for a mere project,” He explains.

You loosened your grip on your own hands, breathing freely as the coast is clear. Although it would be a lie to say you didn’t have a tiny part inside of you that wished he did remember. 

“That’s me—passionate about my work, but most importantly my tulips,” you force your lips in an awkward, tight smile.

Juyeon was going to say something before a phone’s ringing interrupted him. Sihyeon picked up the call. 

“Hm, it seems like my friends can’t make it to the location scout..” she says, a disappointed expression reading through her face.

Juyeon holds her, placing a soft kiss on the side of her temple. Without letting them notice, you averted your gaze away from the couple—clearly hurt from what you just witnessed.

“Thank you,” Sihyeon says to him, “I guess we’ll have plenty of time later on.”

“I know, babe. Don’t worry we will,” his comforting words easing the girl’s worries. 

You’re a different person behind the camera.

From a photographer’s perspective, you loved crafting the whole image of the subject you’re capturing just by one simple click. But it’s not really about the background or the lighting that makes a difference when you’re working with a client—it’s the muse. 

Sihyeon and the rest of the boys all scattered around the venue, leaving you and Juyeon alone to shoot for a bit; a test run for how the first shoot will go.

Since the start, Juyeon had always been the first one to support your dream. It wasn’t hard to work with him, either. His modelesque figure, unbelievable proportions, and a face sculpted by the gods—he’s perfect. Juyeon may not remember who you are, the familiarity of your chemistry as the art and the artist never went away.

And of course, his adorable habit of never opening his eyes properly stayed the same too. 

“Why are you laughing? Is there something on my face?” Juyeon asks, noticing how you’ve been holding in a laugh.

You shook your head, waving your hand to tell him to come to see the pictures, “Here I need to show you..” 

The last couple of pictures were just him posing with his half-opened eyelids, “Juyeon, you’re not even against the sunlight. You’re still the same huh, I thought you would have learned to properly open your eyes when taking pictures.”

When you realized what you had just said.. it was too late. Mentally slapping yourself in the face, you hoped that he would just brush your comment off but that wasn’t the case.

“Still the same? Y/n, how did you know that was my habit?” Juyeon asks, furrowing his eyebrows, “This is your first time taking photos of me.. why-”

“It- it’s an observation. Even earlier, I just observed that you tend to not open your eyes fully,” you lied, “it’s just something I notice out of a habit so I remember to remind my models about it, that’s why..”

He tilts his head of confusion, not fully convinced by your explanation. But before he could even think through it too deeply, something caught his eye that took all his attention.

“That symbol,” Juyeon gasps, reaching for the beaded bracelet on your wrist, “I’m sorry, I just really need to check,” he pleads while taking something out of his pocket—the handkerchief. 

Your first instinct was to hide your hand away, but his grip was much faster, examining the tiny charm that is dangling on the accessory. 

“Wow, it’s the same- it’s the same arrow,” he stares at disbelief, back and forth from you to the comparison in front of him.

You kept your stare at that handkerchief, your old gift, again, trying to resist the strongest urge to cry. If you looked at Juyeon now, the wavering gaze in your eyes will not pass through without an explanation, “Oh- you’re right! What a coincidence..” you awkwardly point out. 

Noticing how long he’s been holding you close, Juyeon finally lets go of your hand, “I’m sorry if I startled you. This handkerchief—it was the last thing I remembered from my accident. They found me clutching this while I was unconscious on the side of the road. I don’t know the history of this thing, but I bet it was something important for me to hold on so dearly,” he said so sadly.

“I’ve inspected the stitched initials and symbol just to see if I can at least remember something- anything at all. But you know, there’s no luck,” he adds, “so now seeing the same symbol, it’s so fascinating… I- I don’t know why I keep telling you details about what happened to me. I usually don’t like talking to people about it.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, you know?”

“I know that. I think it’s because you’re the first person I met that I actually had memories of before getting to know you,” he smiles, “Now, I know what it’s like to have a memory of someone else.” 

“I’m glad to be your familiar face, Juyeon.”

A cough interrupts your conversation, Chanhee walks over, followed by the rest of the crew. 

“How was the shoot?” Sihyeon asks, naturally melting next to Juyeon, “We might need to do my test shoot next time.

“It went well, and no worries, just text me ahead of time so I can clear my schedule,” you assured her.

“You’re leaving early?” Juyeon turns to ask her, “What about the movie night we planned..”

“Sorry, love. Duty calls. I have to come to the hospital early today.”

His reaction didn’t surprise you. Juyeon’s favorite date activity is movie night. He may not spend those with you anymore, a part of you loved the thought of him enjoying a night curled up on a couch and popcorn. So many night outs he turned around, convincing you to change into your pajamas and have a movie marathon instead.

> **[2010 — _flashback_ ]**

_“You know I can’t say no when you pout so cutely like that,” you sighed, slowly changing your mind about going out for the third time this month._

_“That’s why I do it, y/n. You keep falling for my charms that’s why,” Juyeon smirks, securing his win._

_You rolled your eyes at him, “I know. How have I been surviving these four years..”_

_While you get up to prepare your blankets and pillows to get comfortable on the couch, he starts browsing on the shelf for a movie to play on the DVD player._

_“Nuh-uh, hun tonight you’re on delivery food duty! I’m choosing the movie,” you yelled across the room, “It’s the least you can do for convincing me to have another movie night..”_

_You heard him grumble, yet without complaints, he leaves the shelf and walks to the fridge where the restaurant numbers are posted, “Alright, alright anything for you princess.”_

_After a little while, he joins you on the sofa. Juyeon looks at the CD cover of the movie you just put on, “27 dresses? A chick-flick, really?” he whines._

_“Hey, don’t knock it till you watch it!”_

_Juyeon purses his lips as he reads the summary, “Ehh... I guess?”_

_“This movie came out this year. Do you know how hard it was to find a blu-ray released for a film that was recently screened? You don’t appreciate what I do for this relationship.”_

_He couldn’t help but laugh at how defensive you got, nodding his head in defeat, “Yes- yes okay start it. The food should come soon.”_

_Settling in, you pressed on the remote to start the movie. Juyeon knows that you’re sneaking glances to see his reaction to some of the scenes—he’s trying to hide the fact he is enjoying the movie despite the protests that came from him in the beginning._

_“Shh, this is my favorite scene. Pay attention..”_

> “There’s gotta be one thing about weddings that you like.”

> “Open bar.”

> “No.”

> “All right. So when the bride comes in and she makes her giant, grand entrance, I like to glance back at the poor bastard getting married. ‘Cause even though I think he’s an idiot for willingly entering into the last legal form of slavery… I don’t know, he always looks really, really happy. And, for some reason, I… What the hell are you looking at me like that for?”

> “Are you shtting me right now?”

> “What?”

> “That’s my favorite part. Oh, my God. We have something in common…”

_Totally engrossed in the movie, you didn’t realize how his arm snaked around you and how Juyeon’s been staring at you as the whole scene unfolds, “Hm, I must say I agree with the guy,”_

_“Huh?” you looked at him, “Please, you just heard his explanation and think it’s so~ clever.”_

_“Yea, that’s true,” he snickers, “Come to think of it, I do the same thing too. Everyone in that room will look at her and praise how much she’s glowing. But on the other side of the altar is the groom. And he’s the only person that will look at the bride like she’s the most beautiful being that graced the planet.”_

_Juyeon takes a pause. Tilting your head, you wait if he has more to say. Then, lifts his gaze at you. When your eyes meet, the sounds coming out of the TV becomes quite like a whisper. Drowning out your whole surroundings, you two stayed in this position, vulnerable yet so seen and understood._

_He makes the first move and touches his lips with yours. Feeling your soft kiss on his lower lip, he takes your arm and drapes it over his neck. In a swift move, his hand grips your waist pulling you closer in an embrace, deepening the kiss. His touch on your waist lightly billows your exposed skin, tickling you—a smile breaks the connection between your lips. At the same time, you and Juyeon opened your eyes and bumped your noses. He snuggles in the crook of your neck, peppering kisses down the curve to the edge of your shoulder._

_Carried away from the tension, you two hadn’t realized the doorbell has been constantly ringing for the oast minute, “Hon- Juyeon.. the food’s here,” you said, trying to catch your breath._

_“But, I’m already eating…” he smirks. You feel his smug smile upon your skin._

_“If you don’t get up now, you really won’t be eating later,” you warned him, chuckling at his disappointed face and swollen lips that still longed to shower you with kisses._

_Before Juyeon stands up, he gives you one last peck on the lips._

_“I love you, y/n.”_

_“I love you too.”_

**Juyeon wakes up** —this has been the third dream about memories he cannot recognize. Still feeling you underneath him, he couldn’t help but suspect if these were actually real. 

He checks the time: _3:23 am_

His eyes start adjusting to the darkness of the room, completely unlike the college dorm he was just in. To his right, Sihyeon, sleeping soundly after a late night shift. _she must have come home while I was already in bed…_

Juyeon gets up to wash his face—trying to comprehend what just went through his mind. His temples started to ache as he exerted his energy attempting to grasp a memory that’s not quite there. Slowly, he’s losing the scene piece by piece. 

_why is y/n showing up in my dreams, and who is she in my life?_

The dim light illuminating his vision just enough to see his fiancée in peaceful slumber. 

He looks away.

Because as much as it felt wrong, he hated the fact it felt so right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun- DUN ! juyeon.. is he remembering his past??? *cue evil laughter*


	4. chapter three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listening to... champagne problems by taylor swift

> **[2018]**

“Mina-yaa~ your favorite person is here!” you announced while entering your best friend’s bridal boutique, “y/n is heree-”

“SHh, be quiet..” she says, immediately pulling you behind the front desk and putting her hand on your mouth, “Why didn’t you answer your phone? I texted you, called you so many times?”

You pulled your phone out of your pocket, “It’s dead, and can’t you see? My hands are full bringing you lunch... Why? Is something wrong?”

She stealthily points by the lobby—you see the back of a man’s head, he’s sitting down on the couch reading a magazine, “Juyeon. Without his fiancee.” 

If Mina hadn’t taken the food you had on hand, you could’ve dropped it on the ground out of shock, “How? When?”

“This morning. Took me by surprise actually. She called yesterday saying she found my boutique through your business page, probably from our previous clients before but I didn’t know it’s gonna be—that he’s going to be here!”

“I should have charged my phone ugh- I should leave now before…”

Standing up with your back against the counter, you heard Juyeon’s voice behind you, “y/n! I knew I heard you earlier. I didn’t know you’re coming.”

You shot a _“please save me”_ look to your best friend, wishing she can do something to get you away from here but it seems like you’re alone in this one.

“Hi Juyeon, what a surprise! I didn’t know you were coming here.. Where’s Sihyeon?” you reluctantly asked, coming out to the main lobby.

“Well, she insisted that I—in any circumstances—should never see her wearing one of the potential wedding dresses so we chose to go on different days. I just finished getting my measurements for my tux. What about you? I heard from Sihyeon that you’re best friends with Mina, right?”

“Yea, Mina’s the closest I’ll get to a real sister. I stopped by to surprise her with lunch-”

“You should eat with us, Juyeon,” Mina suddenly blurts out, nudging you on the side, “I mean weren’t you already on your way to get food?”

You poked her side in response trying to tell her, _“what the hell... Mina, no-”_

“Sure, if that’s okay with you?” Juyeon replies though he seems to only be looking for your reaction.

“Yes, I think I brought more than enough..” you gave in, and even if you won’t admit it, a part of you silently celebrates.

At first, it seemed like it was going to be a lunchtime spent with you three but right when you finished setting the food on the table, Mina left claiming a customer is in need of assistance—leaving you and Juyeon alone. 

As you talked, he treated you like any stranger would. Someone who is trying to get to know a person they just met. It was clear that Juyeon was used to doing so, given his unique situation. He talked about his life—where he grew up, went to school, family members, and work—you sat there trying your best to act like you didn’t know a thing about all that he just shared.

“But to be honest, the reason why I keep on talking about this is that.. meeting you makes me feel like I do remember them. All these facts—I had to learn it from other people,” Juyeon says, “I had to get used to seeing blank faces, their expression telling me ‘you should know me, you should remember me..’ and that made me feel really guilty.”

“Juyeon, you need to stop blaming yourself. You never would have imagined something so terrible was going to happen to you. This situation will for sure pressure someone, becoming a burden for years on end but I know that’s a hundred times more true with you,” 

Guilt eats you up like nobody’s business, bearing the weight of his words and listening to how genuine he sounds—not knowing the whole history of how your lives used to be involved.

~~how it used to intertwine.~~

“Thank you. You mean to say that like- like you know me or something—it’s usually not a surprise when people talk like they actually knew me, but I don’t know why _you_ make it so easy. Maybe because I know I have seen you before. I remember you.”

~~no, juyeon.. you don’t~~

Knowing you can’t really tell him how you truly feel, you smile at his response, suddenly focusing on the food in front of you.

“I think I’ve been talking about myself too much. What about you? I want to know who you are y/n.”

“Me? Why?” you laughed, “I mean what would you even be curious about?”

“I don’t know—let’s start with your business. When did you start working as a photographer?”

You gave him a plain, basic overview of your history overseas. Where you flew to New York and worked entry-level jobs to reach an editorial intern position. Started working under photographers that can connect you to a brand of your own—and careful to not mention anything about your life before coming to America— **it’s hard to be vague about memories that we’re only filled with the man in front of you.**

“Was it hard? I mean you definitely missed home, right? That’s why you came back,” Juyeon curiously asked.

Mindlessly fondling your arrow bracelet charm, you were filled with nostalgia thinking about the plethora of reasons why you decided to come home. 

_Juyeon was definitely one of them._

“Yes, it was challenging, trying to adjust to a new country all by myself. After everything, I learned that I was just prideful. I had to exchange something very precious just to run after that dream. I never had the heart to admit that _that dream_ never made me happy. When I heard that Mina was opening this store, I thought we could partner and I could start my own small business here photographing engagement shoots, parties, weddings. But in the end, regret always comes last.”

“Precious—are you talking about a person?” Juyeon faces you with no hesitation, searching for a reaction he couldn’t quite understand.

Even though you don’t know what that meant, it seems like there would be no use trying to hide that fact of your story. So, you told him the truth.

“Yeah, someone precious.”

“Juyeon, your tux is ready... We’ll need you to try it on so we can make adjustments if needed, so you can bring it back home next time,” Mina hands him a white box as he walks the man to the changing room. 

When he’s out of range, your best friend eagerly goes to you asking about your lunch with him, “So, how was it?”

“This was your plan all along huh, getting us to talk alone..” you sighed, shaking your head.

“Oh please, you’ll thank me later. Now, I need some details!”

“Mina- he’s engaged.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. I literally just handed him his wedding tuxedo.”

“Exactly, and that’s where it ends. That’s where it should end. He’s going to marry someone else,” you sighed.

“y/n, I just asked about your lunch with him, that’s all.. You’ve got something you want to say, I know you better than that.”

Sinking down the couch and burying your hands in your face, “He never changed. He’s still as wonderful as ever—Mina, please. I can’t have these feelings again,” you whispered.

“I don’t think it ever left.”

You heard her walk away from the couch and come back with another box, similar to what she handed Juyeon.

“Here, I’ve got something for you. I remember you really liked that one piece we looked at online and I got it altered for you,” Mina says, “Try it on!”

“That was so expensive though... Mina, you shouldn’t have-”

“Shhh, go. I got a deal, it went great. Don’t even worry. Stop thinking about your problems for a moment and just put this on.”

You wasted no time and made a beeline straight to the changing room. Ravishing in the sea of white, you held the dress up and out of its box.

You put it on, your hands scanning through the lace and mesh detail and pulling on the zipper on your left side that hugs your bodice. Flowing down to the floor, the length was enough to cover your feet, you twirled in place seeing the skirt circled around you. 

The dress was simple and perfect. Beaming on the reflection you see in the mirror, you couldn’t help thinking about being in a bride’s shoes. Trying the dress of your dreams and visualizing what your day could be— and who you’ll be meeting on the other side. 

“y/n, are you done?” Mina asked, “I’m opening the curtain, okay?”

“Wait, just come in- I’m not really sure it looks ri-”

Mina opens the curtain before you could reach up to peek your head out. Frozen in place, you looked at the man right in front of you, who is fixing his cuffs and gaping at you in awe.

Your hand retracts and finds its way on the side of your neck, rubbing it out of embarrassment. At the same way, you also stared at Juyeon—dashing and handsome in a simple black suit. Although his hair was not styled, his demeanor wearing the formal wear made him look regal. 

When he finally snapped out of it, Juyeon said, “Wow,” _hoping it wasn’t loud enough to be heard._

He doesn’t know if it was just the previous dreams, the familiarity, or the situation he keeps finding himself in but his heart could not stop pounding at the sight of you in that dress. 

It’s ironic—he’s wearing a suit, meant to be worn on the day he’ll be marrying another woman, and he wants to look away, keep his eyes off of you, but he can’t. 

To no surprise, your best friend’s evil yet clever plan totally worked. 

**And Juyeon found himself in deep, deep trouble.**

> **[2013 — _flashback_ ]**

_“Hey, y/n. There’s mail for you—from [name] Magazine?” Juyeon hands you the envelope, “What’s that for?” he asked as he went to the kitchen to put the groceries down,_

_“Nothing-” you quickly reply, stashing it in your drawer in a hurry, “It’s just promotional info for their monthly issue probably..”_

_He saw the words_ [New York is waiting for y/n] _plastered on the letter before handing it to you._

_Juyeon sensed that lie from a mile away._

_He knows you’ve been searching for editorial internships for the past year, but what he doesn’t understand is why you were so secretive about it. He never failed to show you his support for photography, so why were you leaving him out of the loop?_

_You’re both in your senior year of college now and the talk about future plans has been looming around you two for a while._

_Specifically, your future plans._

_Commitment’s no joke—which is ironic given you’ve spent the past seven years together. But thinking about the dreams you have yet to accomplish, marriage is not on the top of your list._

_Hearing you make your way to the kitchen, Juyeon stops for a moment. So many thoughts are running through his mind, so many questions he wants to ask. He resumes fixing up your tea, then he feels a pair of arms hug him from behind._

_You leaned your head at the top of his shoulder, grasping him tightly within your hold. Noticing his deep breaths, you synced the beat of your heart with his—confused with what message this embrace is supposed to say. Juyeon hangs his head low, caressing the hands wrapped around his waist._

_“Y/n, I- I got my military notice this week,” he whispered._

_“When- are you leaving soon?” you asked._

_He takes your arms apart and turns to face you, still keeping your hands around him, “No, I won’t be leaving until we graduate. But y/n, I have something to ask you…”_

_When Juyeon sets his mind to it, it gets done—and you knew Juyeon’s intentions in dating. He doesn’t like wasting time and he’s straightforward. That’s the reason why you never hesitated to say yes to him in the first place. It’s quite endearing actually, knowing that he’s the type of man to commit wholeheartedly._

_That also means he entered this relationship knowing he’ll be in it till the end, and he’s waiting to see if you did too._

_“Y/n, marry me.”_

_~~But, that scares you.~~ _

_“Are you seriously proposing? Right here? Right now?” you tried to let go—focusing on anything—something just to avoid facing you directly._

_Juyeon keeps his ground, gently pulling you closer, “Yes, yes I am.”_

_“But we haven’t even graduated yet, you still have to enlist... And I-”_

_“Y/n, you can’t tell me I’m rushing. For God’s sake, we’ve been together for so long- What’s stopping you?”_

_“I don’t know? My career? I- you can’t ask me like this, I need time. I need time to think and- and make a decision..”_

_~~i need to live my own life too~~ _

_His eyes are shaking, “Please, I just need you, to be honest. We don’t have to do it right away- I’ll enlist and in two years, I can come back to you and w- we can get married,” he says, almost begging as his voice fails him uttering that last word._

_Juyeon reaches to cup your cheek, holding your face in front of his._

_“y/n, will spend the rest of your life with me?”_

_“I’m sorry, Juyeon.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bye i cried so hard writing the proposal bit and it’s not even the saddest thing yet fml. :))) please please please leave your reactions in any way~ i would love to know what you think !!


	5. chapter four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: car accident, mentions of injury
> 
> listening to... you were good to me by jeremy zucker and chelsea cutler

> **[2018]**

“You wouldn’t hide anything from me right?” Juyeon asks the boys out of nowhere. 

Kevin awkwardly coughs as he tries to focus back on the road. He’s figuring out how to respond to the question—signaling to the other two sitting at the backseat to save them from the silence. 

“Oh, of course not... I mean, why would we..?” Changmin immediately answers.

Juyeon looks out the window, “It’s been five years since the accident, and I just realized how- you know what, nevermind.”

“No, tell us. What are you thinking?” Chanhee taps him on the shoulder.

He looks back from the passenger’s seat, hesitating to even share a part of his suspicions. Especially if it means accusing his best friends for being part of the scheme he’s currently living in. 

“I realized how easy it would be for me to erase a significant part of my past. I lost everything. Memories of my school days, teenage years—all gone,” Juyeon says. 

Kevin meets the other boys’ gaze from the rearview mirror. They’re in danger because of Juyeon’s hunch. 

“Who knows I could have left a particular someone too..”

“Juyeon, come on! You’re an engaged man. Aren’t you excited to build a life with Sihyeon? I think you’re just experiencing cold feet, that’s normal,” Kevin reassures him.

“Yea, I am. She’s wonderful... Sihyeon. You know, helping me recover for the past five years, it’s incredible,” he adds.

Chanhee can hear a difference in his tone though, like Juyeon’s saying it to convince himself instead of simply stating it, “But?”

“But.. How can I be there for her if I don’t even know myself?” Juyeon sighs.

Changmin fondly tousles the man’s hair “In the end, that’s a question you’ll have to answer yourself.” 

The four arrive at the venue that the couple has finally chosen for the wedding. As the date approaches closer and closer, the more you have been dreading to prepare for it too. Everyone that’s part of the ceremony had to come today for the rehearsal dinner. That meant that you had to come to prepare for the landscaping of the location. 

“Hey love, everyone’s here—we were just waiting on you all,” Sihyeon greets them, kissing Juyeon on the cheek. 

“Sorry, there was traffic on the way,” 

“It’s okay, we thought of that so we actually prepared the food first so we can eat before we start the rehearsal,” she says, leading the boys to the common area.

“Oh- hi y/n,” Juyeon sees you, greeting you right away. 

“Hello,” you waved back, “Did you pick your tux up from the shop?”

“Hm? What shop?” Sihyeon asked.

For a split second, Juyeon’s eyes widened when you asked that, “No, I actually had uhh- I had an appointment with that boutique owned by y/n’s friend. You were busy with work so I just went on my own.”

“But we already picked your suit a long time ago.. that’s weird—I would have remembered you telling me if you went there,” she said, looking confused. 

“I did. You probably just forgot..” Juyeon said.

You looked at his fidgety hands—he’s lying. 

And you weren’t the only one who noticed, Changmin did too. He doesn’t like where this leads but he’s choosing to cover up for his friend and deal with this later, “Sihyeon, why aren’t you guys eating yet? You shouldn’t have waited, you already know Kevin’s a slow driver..” Changmin says, hoping to throw the topic in a different direction.

“Yea, yea the food will come soon..” she sits down, not minding the conversation that just happened as everyone settled in to start eating. 

Three of Sihyeon’s bridesmaids came for the rehearsal today—and surprisingly, you didn’t hate that at all. It would be so much easier to think about ruining this whole wedding if it weren’t for the kindness and warm welcome they have shown you. 

The weight of your secret gets heavier and heavier the more you long for the relationship you once broke. 

Must have been easy for Juyeon to move on; he met such a wonderful girl and he’s still surrounded by his lovely friends that never failed to support him along the way. So, no matter how much you regret leaving Korea—leaving him—you’re not in any position to want him back in your life again.

He fits right in here, and his world is still turning.. even if it means you’re no longer in it.

You’re preparing your camera equipment for the rehearsal shoot when Aisha, one of Sihyeon’s friends, asked you about your wedding shoots, “Y/n, you’ve worked in a lot of weddings, right? What’s your favorite part about the special day?”

You smiled upon hearing the question. Scrolling through the images you took for the last wedding you worked at, you’re looking at the same exact moment you consider your favorite.

Handing her the camera, you showed Aisha the emotional pictures of the groom crying at the sight of his bride walking down the aisle, “Well.. have you seen the movie 27 dresses?”

“Are you shtting me right now?” Juyeon drops his fork.

“Hey, that’s the actual quote!” you chuckled, staring at his startled expression.

“If you’re gonna say when the bride enters and you actually look at the groom..”

Aisha points at what she sees in the camera, “Oh- that’s exactly it,” she says.

“On her special day, it’s a given that everyone looks at the bride. But as a photographer, I also have to take pictures of everyone else.. and watching the groom’s face light up when those doors open—it has to be my favorite. He’s the only person in that room with the look that says the bride is the most beautiful being that graced the planet,” you explained saying what Juyeon used to say about this particular scene, thinking he forgot that old memory long ago.

_..the most beautiful being that graced the planet_

His heart sank—Juyeon recognized those same exact words.

“And.. will you be experiencing that soon?” another friend, Yiren, nudges your shoulder teasingly, “You’re so pretty and successful, I wouldn’t be surprised if you won at love too!”

“Yea, y/n I never asked you before, but are you dating anyone?” Sihyeon leans in, curiously.

You shook your head, “No, I’m not.”

The conversation continued, now focusing on the bride herself. Drowning from the noise of all the talk, Juyeon is still trying to wrap his head on what he just witnessed. It might have been a laughable moment for you, but when you referred to the movie you two watched in his dream—that only raised his unexplainable suspicions even more. 

On your left, Kevin taps you under the table in an attempt to catch your attention.

“Really? Not since..?” Kevin murmurs discreetly, hoping you’d be the only one to hear. 

You followed where his eyes pointed to, the direction where Juyeon is seated. Your eyes met with his for a second before you looked down on your lap to avoid getting caught staring.

“No.. not since,” you didn’t finish the sentence but Kevin knew exactly who you meant—and someone else did too.

“Okay, positions!” the wedding coordinator announced to everyone, signaling the final part of the ceremony, “Is the bride ready?”

“Yes!” Sihyeon yells from the other side of the tall doors. Everyone is anticipating her first walk, reveling in this heart-racing moment. You’ve been scouring for the best angles and parts of the venue, making sure you’re capturing the best parts of the wedding. 

The girls start squealing as the doors start moving. It’s only a rehearsal but she’s wearing a beautiful long dress, encapsulating the very essence of her special day and looking as beautiful as ever. 

You admired the composition of the whole scene. Even if this time around, her wedding is going to mean different than the past ones you’ve shot before, visualizing the grand decorations and imagining the magical flair that a wedding emits are the reasons why you will always love your job. After taking a couple of pictures of her, you switched onto the other side—Juyeon’s side.

Then, everything fell apart. 

The click of the camera followed your rapid heartbeat, and the tears welling up in your eyes were clouding Juyeon’s image through the lenses. 

The very moment you deemed to be your absolute favorite is currently breaking your heart in the cruelest way possible. 

He appears exactly like what a groom in love ought to look like. Not an ounce of hope for you remained. These past few months must have just been a fever dream—because up until this point, it finally hits you.

Juyeon is going to get married soon,

but this time, **it won’t be with you.**

> **[2013 — _flashback_ ]**

_When you left Juyeon, he broke in a million pieces. In return, he broke everything too._

_Juyeon got rid of all the things that reminded him of you—leaving no picture in sight, all your clothes stuffed in a bag somewhere, threw away your stuff out of anger, grief, frustration all mixed in one. The other nightstand of the bed now left empty. And his walls, which were once filled with years worth of memories, are now bare._

_Days and weeks on end, he wonders what he failed to give you. Was his love not enough?_

_Juyeon realizes just how much your lives depended on each other, from the trivial things to the biggest milestones—you did it together. Graduating without you by his side had to be the most painful thing to get over with. Staring at his phone for the past five minutes seriously debating whether to delete your contact or ask you how you’re doing, he gets startled at the sudden ringing._

_a call incoming from y/n..._

_He couldn’t help but answer it in a heartbeat, waiting for you to say the first word._

_“J-juyeon..?” he didn’t realize how much he missed your voice until that moment._

_“Yea,” he whispers._

_“Congratulations,” you say, grateful he even picked up your call after a long time._

_He doesn’t reply. Miles apart yet your hearts beat as one, feeling the same tight hold in your chest that made it difficult to breathe. You don’t know why you didn’t say anything, regretting not saying your true feelings then._

_Because like an idiot, you hung up, failing to hear those words from him._

_“I miss you.”_

_After that night he decided to get on with his life._

_In attempting to show everyone he’s doing just fine, Juyeon quietly drowns in his own loneliness. Still, he tries to get up every morning. He tries to get out of the house. He tries not to think of you when he passes by your favorite ice cream shop. He tries to fight the urge of texting you about the funniest thing that happened to him that day. And slowly, he looks forward to the day he no longer has to._

_But one day, everything changed._

_“Mhm, yes mom, I’ll start packing. Don’t worry I will get it done soo-” Juyeon kicks something under the bed, “Alright, I’m gonna call you later. I love you.”_

_what was that?_

_He hangs up the phone and crouches down to reach for it, a small box. The ribbon that was once glued on and tied is wearing away; it’s dusty and old, but awfully familiar._

_Juyeon shakes the box, hearing that it’s not empty. He sits down on the floor with his back leaning on the soft cushion._

_Opening the box brought back all the memories. It’s filled with your favorite polaroids and developed kodak, couple pictures. Small notes written on the back, dated and sealed with the love that was once there._

_Your gifts to Juyeon were underneath the photos: the handkerchief and four letters. On the envelope, you wrote four moments in your relationship telling Juyeon when to read it._

_He had already opened two—the letter for your second year anniversary and third year anniversary. There were two left, “on our happiest day,” and “when we’re broken up.”_

_He reaches for the latter and starts reading it._

> Dear Juyeon,

> I wish you never had to open this letter. 

> I’m sorry that now you are because I know that all I want to say is that I miss you too.

> I’m trying to be as vague as possible because it’s hard to write this from the past not knowing what will come in the future: the stupid thing we fought over, or worse, the reason why I ran away. 

> Everyday, I find myself falling for you deeper and deeper. Still, I hesitate, thinking this is too good to be true. The more I grow to love you, the more I will get hurt if we fall apart. I ask myself how I can fear something that makes me so happy but Juyeon, that’s what love does to me. 

> Right now, I must have given in to these fears. I can say this because I know myself. That’s why today, I’m writing this letter to remind myself that I might be scared now, but I think I’m more scared of letting you go. 

> Juyeon, I told you why I love tulips. you asked me one day if I wanted a love that reminds me of them. Well, that day has finally come. I found you. 

> There’s a reason why I stitched an arrow right next to your name. I hope that represents your love that can find me and reach me wherever I go. Please don’t give me up so easily. 

> I’ll be here waiting for you.

> Always,

> y/n

_Juyeon takes the handkerchief from the box and brings it to his face, smelling the fading scent of perfume you always wore— and cries. The tears that Juyeon had been holding back, he finally let go of. He painfully looks back at your best moments through these photographs that are now frozen in time, and all he wants is to have you in his arms again._

_At that moment, Juyeon makes up his mind. He keeps this box safe, hidden inside his bottom drawer, eternally grateful it had been spared from the time he first threw everything away._

_Taking his phone to call you first, Juyeon receives an incoming call from Changmin._

_“Hello? Changmin-ah,” Juyeon answered._

_“Juyeon, uh... I’m not sure if I should tell you,” Changmin starts, “but I think you should at least know.”_

_Juyeon stops in his tracks. Hearing the hesitation from his friend’s voice, he knew that it’s something Changmin had seriously thought about._

_“What is it? You can tell me.”_

_“Y/n..” he murmurs, “sh- she’s in the airport on her way to New York.”_

_Juyeon ended the call the moment he heard those words._

_He grabs his keys and makes his way to his car, hurrying to get to you. Still, with your handkerchief in hand, Juyeon starts worrying he won’t be able to arrive there in time—get to you before it’s too late. He tries to call your phone, oblivious to the fact you’re already in line for boarding._

_Speeding through the freeway, and not caring for this heavy downpour, Juyeon sees Changmin’s incoming call again. He answers._

_“Changmin! Y/n, when’s her flight—”_

_“Juyeon, why did you hang up? You didn’t hear the rest of what I had to say..” Changmin says, urgency laces his tone, “she’s probably inside now. Juyeon, her flight takes off in twenty minutes.”_

_“No- no. I’m not even ten minutes away... I- I can make it. I will get her back! I promised her,” Juyeon breaks out in sobs, the rain and his own tears blurring his vision._

_Desperation overcomes Juyeon as he carelessly steps on the gas. Running the red light and ignoring the vehicle incoming towards the right side—realizing it was too late to hit the brakes._

_Then, hearing the blaring noise of the truck’s horn, glass shattering, and vehicles colliding—yet it will be a memory forever ingrained in Changmin’s memory—becoming the source of his relentless guilt towards what happened to Juyeon._

_It all happened in a blink of an eye._

_Later on that evening, the sound coming from the television bears the most devastating news._

**[“There has been a collision reported between an industrial truck and an automobile near the Incheon International Airport. The victims, no casualties but are suffering serious injuries, have been identified:**

**—21 years old, Lee Juyeon…”]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cries* it took me more than a week to even get this chapter written, much less actually finish it. im still not over this BYE


	6. chapter five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: car accident, mentions of injury, cheating
> 
> listening to... if i could fly by one direction

> **[2018]**

You didn’t want to end up doing this. 

Being stuck with a broken-down car while the rain pours is probably the most unrealistic scene ever, but on top of that, everyone had failed to answer your call. 

So, here you are, dialing Juyeon’s phone as your last resort. 

~~don’t pick up.. don’t pick-~~

“Hello, y/n?”

“H-hello. Juyeon-ssi. Uhh..” you started, still hesitant to ask him for a favor, “I’m sorry if I’m disturbing you or if you’re at work right now. But..”

“No, no. Of course not, it’s actually my off day. Do you need help?” Juyeon suddenly sits up, pleasantly surprised.

“I don’t know if you’re close by but my car broke down. It’s raining and I have to transfer all this equipment alone and I’ve tried calling people and- Can you please help me?” you explained, sighing and regretting it all after.

Sounds of raindrops falling should be calming, but his terrible accident has changed that for him. Juyeon looks out the window—he still doesn’t have the full confidence to drive in the rain, yet, it’s strange how he easily chose to come to your rescue. 

“Send me your location, I’ll be there.”

Nervously waiting for Juyeon to come, you notice his car pulling up on the side of the road. He parks away from the busy street and takes out an umbrella and walks over to your car.

“Thank you so much for coming. I’m sorry I really did not know who else to call, I’m sorry if I bothered you- if you were busy—” you rambled.

“Y/n. It’s okay, I swear it’s fine. It was my choice, I’m always happy to help,” Juyeon smiles warmly.

He peeks in your car and notices that none of the functions are on. Your car had broken down, leaving you with no heater on and freezing after being rained on.

“How long did you wait?” Juyeon’s face is filled with concern, “Let’s call the towing company and I’ll bring you to the apartment for the meantime.”

You shook your head, truly not trying to bother him any further. “No, I’ll be alright. You can just drop me off the nearest train statio—” your coughing stops you mid-sentence.

“See! You’re gonna get sick. Please, I insist. At least let me lend you some warm clothes and I promise you’ll get to where you need to be,” he firmly protests.

After taking a few moments to think about it, you finally caved in. There was no use putting up a fight with Juyeon—you know he genuinely just wants to help.

Transferring your equipment to his car, Juyeon gets ready to drive back to his house. Taking note of the familiar surroundings, you realized where you are. 

It’s the same neighborhood you used to live in. 

“Juyeon, you still live here?” you carelessly asked him. 

Although you might have missed the implication, Juyeon definitely did not. He noticed that you did it again—you spoke of a fact someone who knew him would only know. Knowing the conversation might get awkward if he pointed it out, Juyeon ignored it and answered your question anyway.

“Yeah, after my accident, I ended up not moving out of my apartment. Enlistment was no longer an option for me, so I just focused on recovering from my injuries.” 

“I don’t mean to pry, but is that how you met Sihyeon?”

Juyeon purses his lips in a tight smile, “Yes, she was one of the nurses that helped me recover…”

_No wonder their relationship seems so natural, you thought._

Juyeon hasn’t stopped shaking his leg since he started driving. It had been awfully quiet and you didn’t know whether to ask him if there’s anything wrong—that was his habit when something is on his mind. 

“Hey, is everything alright?”

“Mhm, yes. Everything’s okay. I- I just have a complex about driving in the rain and near the airport. Earlier, I took a route similar to what I had taken.. on the night of my accident.” 

You didn’t know that his accident happened near the airport. 

You had so many more questions to ask but after sensing his discomfort, you simply nodded and let go of the subject. Before you know it, you’ve arrived at the apartment—stunned at seeing the place you used to call home again after all these years.

He punches in the code and leads you to the living room, “Wait a minute, I’ll come get you some fresh clothes, okay? The restroom is across the hall to my bedroom.”

Juyeon leaves you alone, while you’re still at awe at how the interior of the house barely changed at all. Apart from the traces of you gone in the apartment, it basically looked the same as you had imagined it to be. 

Inside the room, Juyeon goes directly to his bottom drawer. It’s where he kept the clothes he outgrew, usually those from when he was younger. He quickly reaches for a shirt and his old highschool hoodie—revealing a small compartment of the drawer he failed to see before. Juyeon walks out with the clothes on hand and sees you looking at his frame display on the shelves. 

“Apparently, my family insisted I should keep the apartment the same,” he says, standing right next to you and looking at the same pictures you had been staring at, “No improvement, but there was a tiny home inside them that hoped maybe—just maybe, I can get my memories back if I was surrounded with these familiar things.”

It was bittersweet, looking at these pictures. You knew this time of Juyeon’s life all too well, but still, you were deliberately erased from every single one of them—even through these snapshots. Even though you promised not to bring it up again, you couldn’t stop thinking about the new information you learned about Juyeon’s accident.

“Juyeon, you don’t need to answer this if you don’t want to—what date did your accident happen?”

Though not hoping it would be real, you couldn’t help but get curious if your hunch was right. Especially when you were reminded of the night of your delayed flight. A storm held you back from leaving Korea for a couple of hours.

_As if you weren’t meant to leave at all._

He tilts his head to think for a second, handing you the clothes he came with, “May 15. It happened on the night of May 15, 2013.”

Then, it was like the air got knocked out of your chest. 

That was the night of your flight. Not knowing how to handle this great shock, you whispered a quick thank you after taking the clothes from his hand and immediately made your way to the restroom. At this point, you couldn’t even think straight. 

Was Juyeon going to come to see me, or is this just a coincidence? Is this why I was suddenly taken out of the picture? It pains you to keep these questions all to yourself, but it hurts, even more, to think of the possibility that you were the main reason why his life forever changed. 

All your worries raced through your mind until you noticed the late texts Mina had sent you. 

> [i’m so sorry i just saw this!]

> [oh my godbdj ???? JUYEONS HOUES ???:?]

> [wow okay okay i will come get you soon.. don’t worry]

When you finished changing your clothes, you looked at the mirror and recognized the sweater—it was the one you often stole from him. While you were taking a few more moments gazing at his name etched on the sleeves, Juyeon goes back to his room remembering he hadn’t closed the drawer from earlier. 

That’s when he sees the half-opened box buried beneath the clothes. 

“Oh- I’ve never seen this box before? Why is it under here?” he crouches down to close the box, leaving it there—until what he saw inside completely rocked his entire world.

Unknown to all of this, you walked out of the bathroom and searched for Juyeon. Seeing the bedroom door open, you walked in as you dialled Mina’s phone, “Juyeon.. Mina’s going to come to get me soo—”

Stopping your tracks, you found him frozen in the middle of his room, clutching a photo on his hand. You spotted a familiar box, with its contents sprawled out on the floor. 

“y/n.. wh- why do I have a picture of you in that exact sweater in high school?”

You slowly put your phone down, ending that dial to your best friend. This is the moment you realized your biggest nightmare has come true.

“Juyeon,” you said, slowly choking up, “I can explain…”

You tried to walk closer to him, but he also stepped back, avoiding you in disbelief. Genuinely not sure of how to start or when to start explaining, you mirrored his weeping expression, unable to hold back your own tears. 

“No- Who are you? What are we? What were we? Y/N WILL YOU PLEASE ANSWER ME?” Juyeon raises his voice—throwing the pictures across the room and putting his head down as he paced back and forth. 

“We... We were together. You and I,” you sat down on the bed, your back facing away from him. 

“For how long..”

“Seven years.”

Juyeon leans against the wall, collapsing on the floor. 

“You don’t remember any of it, I know. Since high school, all throughout college- and I.. used to live here, with you. We used to frequent that ice cream place two blocks away from here. You like sleeping on the left side of the bed, and I always hog the blankets, but you... let me anyway. Also.. you never hated the rain. Actually, you loved it—because it meant I would make you your favorite tangerine tea. I’m sorry if that’s not true anymore,” you took a trip down memory lane, emptying out all that you held back from saying. 

“No. I can’t believe this, there’s no way,” Juyeon stands up, sighing out of frustration, “Why? How? If you were such a big part of my life, where did it go wrong?”

“At first, I didn’t know why I had to pretend.. why I had to lie about us. But now, I get it. When I left you, it had something to do about that I swea-”

His eyes followed the box and everything that was in it, scattered all around the floor. The memory was hazy but that old gift of yours caught his eye.

“Your letter- that night... I wasn’t sure if I remembered it correctly but I have been seeing your face in my dreams, lately,” Juyeon connected the dots.

“Huh? Dreams? What letter?”

He walks over and hands you the envelope. Carefully opening it to look back on what you’ve written, realizing what it meant for Juyeon to read it on that one fateful night. 

This snapshot in time was the missing puzzle piece of the mystery—uncovering the wounds that never truly healed in the first place.

“You were on your way to New York when I read this letter, and I couldn’t get a hold of you,” Juyeon takes a pause, “I wanted to reach you before it was too late, that’s when I got into an accident.. **y/n, I remember everything.** ” 

Crashing down on the floor, you felt that nothing will ever hurt you with this much pain just as this moment did to you. Strings of apologies poured out of your heart, not knowing how to cope with the shock. You felt like your chest was going to burst any minute, debating whether finding out the truth really sets you free. 

“It’s my fault. Oh my g- It’s all my- This is all my fault. Juyeon, I’m sorry- I’m so so sorry,” your voice was shaking, still trying to find the courage to look up and apologize to his face, but regret, shame, and guilt continued to weigh you down. 

You felt a pair of arms grasp your shoulders, pulling you up to your feet. Juyeon battles your apologies with a hush, trying to calm you down from this sea of emotions. He stops you from shaking your head by carefully reaching down to cup your face—the way he used to.

“y/n, look at me,” he whispered. Juyeon comes a little closer, catching that familiar scent of yours, which triggered another sequence of memories he couldn’t hold on to. 

“I didn’t know.”

~~_and if i knew—Juyeon, i would’ve flown right back home to you…_ ~~

“Exactly, you didn’t know,” Juyeon takes a deep breath, “You don’t know how much I want to get mad at you right now.. God, I should hate yo- After all this time, how do you manage to drive me insane?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be gone soon. I won’t hurt you anymore. I’m going to leave you alone—after the wedding. You’ll finally be happ-” Breaking free from his hold, you held your arms to start walking away. 

But Juyeon wouldn’t let you go.

“Y/N CAN’T YOU SEE? I’M FALLING FOR YOU!”

For a second, you could’ve sworn the world stopped turning. 

“No, no- Juyeon we can’t.”

“I know—but you’re making this so hard. I look for you when you’re not around. I notice all the little things about you. I think it’s ridiculously adorable when somebody tells you they love your work, and I think you should be proud of that. And my heart- my heart cannot stop pounding when I see you,” Juyeon says it all with the roundest and kindest eyes, leaning dangerously close to you, “Believe me, I tried. I try to forget you, not think about you, ignore you. But I can’t.”

“Juyeon, I promised not to get involved. Ask yourself, do you really want me? You’re just confused and overwhelmed... You’ve lived five years without me, made more memories, and learned to love someone else.”

“That’s why it’s easy for you, huh? Are you over us? Is that why you’re okay with me getting married to someone else?” Juyeon feels a painful pang in his chest. He turns away thinking, she’s going to leave me again. 

“I know I gave it all up when I walked away five years ago, and I never said it was easy. Because ever since I came back—I spent every second wishing I was her.”

Juyeon takes a pause before taking another look at your face. He stares deeply into your eyes, darkening every moment he spends leaning in closer. Even you can’t resist the way it pulls you in. With a softened expression, he whispers, “You don’t know what you do to me. I might regret this but.. ~~fuck it.~~ ”

He crashes his lips onto yours. 

Melting inside his embrace, you let your walls fall down and let him have your way. Your mind may have screamed in protest but nothing can overcome the yearning that has filled you two at that moment. Your hand caresses his cheek, while the other is tangled through his hair. His fingers feel warm behind your neck—electrifying you in every touch. 

The kiss genuinely felt like the first time, you two just couldn’t pull away. Tightly holding on to him, your arms found their way around his neck. Juyeon pulls his lips away for a moment to breathe, then resumes to pepper kisses on your cheeks all the way through your jawline. He smiles as he makes his way back up, getting a taste of your lips once more—failing to notice the noise coming from the front door.

“Juyeon, y/n?” Sihyeon gasped at the sight before her eyes. Without giving you two a chance to say anything, she turns her heel and starts walking back out, storming out of fury. Juyeon makes the first move as you follow him to try and explain the situation. But right when he steps out of the hallway, he clutches on to his head and groans in agony. 

And before you can catch him, Juyeon faints and loses his consciousness—the next thing you know he’s already on the ground. 

> **[2013 — _flashback_ ]**

_“Changmin. You need to eat.”_

_It’s been a week since the accident. Other than freshening up each day, Changmin hasn’t left Juyeon’s side once. Chanhee and Kevin shared a look, urging each other to get their friend to take care of himself. Chanhee finally loses his patience and walks over to go help Changmin up his seat to the couch on the other side of the room._

_Usually, as sensitive as he can be, Changmin would have protested and snapped at his friend, but he no longer had the energy to. All he wants is for Juyeon to wake up, and for him to ask for forgiveness. It’s killing him—seeing Juyeon with all the patches, stitches, and oxygen tubes. But if he misses another meal, Changmin will become another patient in this hospital._

_“Even his parents went to their hotel from time to time, rested and never skipped a meal. Juyeon wouldn’t want you to stop taking care of yourself, okay?” Kevin reassures Changmin, placing a small serving of rice cakes in front of him._

_He takes a bite of the food on his plate. Although reluctant, Changmin making the effort to finish eating was a success for them all. It’s obvious he hasn’t gotten enough sleep, sticking to his friend’s bedside and being alert if Juyeon ever showed any signs of consciousness. Since he had been in a coma for more than three days, the looming rumors of amnesia haunt Changmin, drilling in the excruciating pain of bearing the guilt for what happened to him in the first place._

_Changmin takes another glance at Juyeon’s state and breaks out into a silent sob, his tears unstoppable. He leans into Chanhee’s shoulder and seeks comfort in his arms. One person’s grievance is surely painful to the other two, and the three friends didn’t have to say a word to understand the situation. All they can do is to be there for each other, no matter what._

_Rustling sounds start coming from Juyeon’s direction, prompting the three up to their feet and quickly tend to the bed—hopeful to finally see signs that he’s awake._

_“Where am I?” Juyeon croaks._

_“I- I’ll be calling the doctor,” Kevin announces in a hurry. Chanhee follows him out, calling Juyeon’s family immediately—leaving Changmin on his side who’s more than eager to help him in any way he can._

_“Juyeon, you’re in the hospital,” Changmin answers, “You got into an accident.” Still having a hard time verbally acknowledging that fact, Changmin assumes the responsibility on himself but fails to say it to Juyeon._

_**No, not yet.** _

_Looking around the room and adapting to his unusual surroundings, Juyeon obviously appears to be lost. Changmin searches for any cues of familiarity from his friend’s expression—but every second that passes without a warm welcome from his best friend torments his biggest worries. Something is wrong._

_The door opens, revealing Kevin, Chanhee, and the group of medical staff assigned to oversee Juyeon’s recovery. Juyeon glances over at his friends and gives them the same indifferent greeting. The doctor has taken that clue that leads him to ask these questions._

_“Hello. I’m Doctor Park. You’ve been in a coma for the last seven days after a terrible accident. Are you able to recall your full name?”_

_“Lee Juyeon.”_

_“Birthday?”_

_“January 15th.”_

_“Do you know the person sitting on your left?”_

_Juyeon turns to Changmin and stays silent for quite some time. He purses his lips and looks down at his wired arms, clearly distraught by the fact he couldn’t recognize the faces he’s seeing._

_“No, I’m sorry. I- I don’t remember.”_

_The next few days had been a struggle._

_It turns out that most of Juyeon’s childhood memories still remained, only leaving his time during high school and onwards to be forgotten. Juyeon had to adjust at the fact he has done so much in life without remembering a single memory doing it—even accepting the reality that he had already graduated college at this point._

_“Hello, Juyeon-ssi! It’s time for your daily meds,” Sihyeon, one of the nurses assigned at Juyeon’s ward comes in for the daily routine delivery._

_“Good morning, nurse,” Juyeon greets her back._

_“Oh- Chanhee-ssi, Changmin-ssi. You’re both visiting today,” she sees the two cleaning up the eaten food they’ve brought for Juyeon’s breakfast._

_“Yes, our boy’s getting sick of hospital food,” Chanhee jokes, “Don’t tell the cafeteria lady we said that!”_

_Sihyeon mimed zipping her lips, chuckling at the thought. Slowly but surely, Juyeon starts to ask more and more questions about his life. Taking the initiative to get to know yourself all over again did not come overnight, especially when Juyeon gets massive headaches from exerting too much energy in remembering the past._

_“You know, I think you would have been a really studious popular guy in school,” Sihyeon tells Juyeon._

_He shrugs, showing her a cheeky smile and gestures towards his friends, “I don’t know? You ask them, they’ll probably tell you the honest answer.”_

_“He definitely was loved by many growing up—that student Juyeon,” Chanhee smiles in response, “He also studied well, very sporty, and yes- had a lot of admirers.”_

_“Yea, well I can’t argue with that,” Sihyeon quietly agrees, in awe of the man she’s gradually growing close to._

_Juyeon wasn’t oblivious at that fact either. Even in this hard and confusing season of his life, he was thankful for Sihyeon—to have found someone to open up to. However deep inside, something is holding him back. He just doesn’t know what._

_Subconsciously catching a sight of the blue handkerchief, Juyeon keeps his eye on the initials embroidered on the fabric. The story behind it still remains a mystery._

_“What about a significant other?” Juyeon asks, while Sihyeon follows his gaze on the item placed on top of his bedside table, “Is there anyone in particular I should never forget before I lost my memories?”_

_The two friends freeze on the spot. Chanhee and Changmin silently wish Kevin had come with them, he probably would have thought of an easy save out of this situation—especially since any mention of you would have been dangerously close in uncovering the truth of his accident._

_That’s when Changmin decided to build the foundation of lies. Even if it meant erasing the best and worst parts of his youth, in the end, he just wants to protect his friend._

**_“No, Juyeon. There’s no one.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omgomgomg my hours of labor writing this confrontation scene AAAAAAH I AM NOT OKAY???!?! i can’t believe we’re so close to the end! i don’t want to add or change the amount of chapters i have so i apologize if these are getting longer and longer. i hope you appreciate the added details and plot building, i just think most of them are necessary for the pacing of the story :”>


	7. chapter six.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listening to... my everything by ariana grande

> **[2018]**

Harsh fluorescent light—that was the first thing Juyeon noticed when he opened his eyes. Glancing at the clock to read the time, fifteen hours had passed by since he fainted, he couldn’t figure out who’s in the room as he heard voices and chatter; the people were unaware of his waking state. 

_**this feels like déjà vu** _

“So, he claims to have remembered everything?” Doctor Park asks.

“I don’t know, doc. We weren’t able to talk to him before he fell unconscious…” 

Doctor Park was going to say something before she got interrupted. 

“Y/n..” Juyeon murmurs incoherently, tears leaking out of his eyes.

Changmin came by his side, slowly helping him to sit up. The nurse checked Juyeon’s vital signs and recorded a few notes on the clipboard. 

“Alright, we’ll be contacting the family about the next steps. He might still be in shock after the stressful encounter—make sure he gets enough rest and the tests that will be conducted later on will let us know if there’s anything serious we should be aware of,” Doctor Park relays her goodbye and leads the team out to give the two some privacy.

Asking Juyeon if he needed anything, Changmin also held him back from wanting to get out of his bed. “Yeon-ah, please calm down.”

Juyeon insists and shakes his head out of frustration. He was clearly weak and dizzy from not eating anything, thus, giving up and burying his face in his hands. 

“That night—I remember it all. Y/n, the airport..” Juyeon starts then looks up to Changmin shifting uncomfortably in his seat, “I was on the phone with you.”

“Let me explain..” Changmin weakly protests.

“Explain? Heard that word twice today..” Juyeon scoffed, “Explain what now? And no, not just you, Changmin—everyone is in on this. How could you do this? How can you lie to me.. for what? Five years?”

“I did it to protect yo-”

“Protect me? By erasing my past? Changmin, you said..” Juyeon’s lips start trembling, “No one- there was no one.”

“Call it betrayal if you want, but I did it for you. And I’m sorry- I’m truly sorry that also meant erasing y/n out of your life. I hoped that maybe if I put the blame on someone else, I didn’t have to hold it on my own.” 

Juyeon looks over to see Changmin’s face streaked with tears—he’s hunching over in shame.

“Because Juyeon, I- I chose to bear all the burden of remembering that night if it meant erasing it from your mind forever.”

Heavy silence blankets over the atmosphere.

Feelings of disappointment and anger slowly dissolved when Juyeon saw how small Changmin looked, asking for forgiveness. After all, he had lived with this nightmare in detail since that night, five years ago. Juyeon reaches for his friend’s hand and strokes his hair as he trembled from crying. 

“Changmin-ah, even if you didn’t call me, I- I think I would’ve gotten in that car and drove to her anyway,” he gently sighs, “You don’t need to blame yourself for what happened to me. I just wish you could have told me the truth earlier.”

The door opens, revealing Chanhee and Kevin visiting early at dawn. Their crying state had spoken volumes than any explanation would have. Juyeon gives them a sad, yet friendly, smile. 

_He’s back._

The four friends exchange a quick embrace—an unspoken assurance of their mending relationship. Juyeon and Changmin wiped their tears away and settled in to get ready for the day.

“We knew how much you didn’t like the food here so..” Chanhee smiles, holding up the bag of food and placing it on the table. 

But, four of them ate in silence. Juyeon is mindlessly stirring his stew around, not taking a bite for moments at a time. The other three, clueless from what happened yesterday, hesitated to bring it up to the conversation. 

Until Juyeon starts explaining it himself.

“It’s a mess.”

“Hm? What is?” Kevin asked him.

“Everything. I- I messed up,” Juyeon said in a hushed tone. 

He talked about helping you with your broken down car and driving back to the apartment. Then, finding the letters he failed to get rid of many years ago and the confrontation that happened between you two.

“I kissed y/n,” he says wistfully, “and I didn’t even see Sihyeon, I heard her voice and there she was, standing right by the door. Tried to run after her but..”

“That’s when you fainted?” 

Juyeon nods, “Is she at home?”

“Sihyeon? Actually…she texted me that she’ll be staying with her parents for the meantime,” Chanhee mumbled.

“Oh- right, why would she stay there and be reminded of what happened,” Juyeon said bitterly, “What about y/n? Have you heard anything from her?”

“Mina took her home after we left with you. She didn’t come to the hospital with us. So, no- we haven’t heard from her ever since,” Changmin answered.

Juyeon could not hide the disappointment on his face. They knew he was waiting for a different answer because this time around—it was actually true.

Melted ice watered down Juyeon’s drink.

He’s waiting for Sihyeon to meet him for the first time since the incident. One week before their wedding date with delayed invitations, and essentially, no plans—it was a clear postponement.

One last conversation might be the only thing needed to settle it once and for all.

Juyeon catches a glimpse of his fiance at the café entrance, making her way towards his table. A waitress follows her and tries to give her a menu as she takes a seat.

“I’m sorry, I won’t be ordering,” she refuses, staring directly at the man in front of her, “I won’t be staying for long.”

_It was clear who she’s really saying that to._

“How have you been?” Juyeon breaks the silence.

“Fine,” Sihyeon blankly stated, “I’m doing fine. You?”

“Good,” he replied cautiously, “Thankfully got out of the hospital after a day..”

Sihyeon nods, chipping at the wooden chair to distract herself. “I know the whole story,” she began, trying to meet eyes with Juyeon.

But as she expected, he wouldn’t easily do so. Especially after getting caught in such a scene. 

“I met with y/n a few days ago.. and she explained it all. Quite a love story you too had, huh?” she attempts to put up a nonchalant facade, though the shakiness of her voice is saying otherwise.

“Sihyeon, I’m sorry.”

She stares at the ceiling, ignoring the stinging sensation on her eyes, “Damn it- I promised myself not to cry today..” she mutters under her breath.

“No matter how many times I apologize, I know it won’t change anything. But I really am sorr- I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Juyeon stutters then stays quiet, not finding the right words to say—if he even had more to say. He felt as though adding anything else will make it worse.

“I hate that it’s hard to hate you. After everything that happened, Juyeon, you were still my greatest love,” she says, “I have a question.. can you be honest?”

“Yes,” he finally looks up.

“Did you love me?”

“I loved you.”

“But you love her more?”

“I don’t know,” he answered.

Juyeon bites his lip and stays silent for what felt like forever.

“Getting my memories back... it’s all new to me. I don’t want to be unfair to you, Sihyeon. Please, you deserve so much better.”

“And why can’t that be you?”

Lifeless laughter-filled both of their ears. It was a joyless one—amplifying the pain that was hidden in her heart. “I mean that’s just how fate works, right? Even after an accident and a whole engagement, you still found each other.” 

Sihyeon took a deep breath and stared at the ring on her finger. She tries to recall the day Juyeon asked her to marry him, but now it’s just a memory that is oceans away. Slipping it off, she places the ring on the table and returns it back to him.

“I already signed my lease in a different apartment. Don’t worry I’ll be moving out soon..” she forces a smile on her face, “I hope you don’t pity me. In time, I’ll be getting over you- over us.”

Before getting ready to leave, Sihyeon rummaged through her purse and brought an item out.

“I almost forgot, I owe you an apology too,” she says, revealing something he swore he had seen before, “I’ve held onto this for a year now. I found it behind the couch while cleaning one day.”

Juyeon reaches out to examine the bracelet. It was similar to what he had seen you wear before but instead of an arrow charm, it was a heart. 

“It was before I knew y/n, but I guess I should’ve known then,” Sihyeon adds, “I failed to see that you’re still the one who lost all your memories and moved on with your life without knowing. I may be hurting now, but I genuinely wish for your happiness.”

Juyeon stands up and pulls her in for one last hug. 

“Thank you for everything, and again, I’m so sorry.”

Sihyeon wraps her arms around Juyeon’s waist, holding him tight. The bittersweet scene breaks her into tears, making a sincere effort of hiding her face away from him.

“Thank you, Juyeon. Live well,” Sihyeon grabs her purse and makes her way out the door. Juyeon is once again alone at the table. 

He left soon after—while his drink and that old ring remained untouched. 

> **[six months later—flash forward]**

“Thank you for coming! We’ll be sending you the prints and finished edits in a couple of days,” you said to the family leaving your studio.

Punching in your day’s worth of labor, you looked at your catalog to check if there were more appointments for the day.

“y/n, you’ve got one last appointment today,” Mina says from the other room, “It was last-minute, probably just for a simple headshot portfolio.” 

Taking note of your last task, you start setting up your space. These days, you’ve been taking more portrait and studio photoshoot bookings. Your ever-so-supportive best friend has helped you along the way, balancing the time she spends to help you and her own business. 

“Are you sure you won’t be doing wedding shoots anytime soon?” Mina asked with a guarded tone.

It was a question you’ve willfully avoided. 

The last thing you’ve heard about Juyeon these six months was the cancellation of his wedding. The thought of working on another wedding in a time so fresh from your own wounds—was unbearable. You weren’t willing to forgive yourself for what happened to Juyeon, and the fact that your return had once again ensued more trouble was the final straw. 

As your friend anticipated for a response, you simply shook your head to say no. 

You had to admit that running away from this all your life won’t be practical; your brain is constantly agonizing you with the what-ifs and the what could have been. 

But for now, any mention of the past was to be forgotten and set aside.

“Y/n,” she calls out, “y/n~ come on now, give me that smile!”

You shrugged her off, breaking into a fit of giggles. She attempts to tickle you and interrupt your spiralling thoughts, “Don’t worry, I’m fine. I really am,” you said as if it were a promise, not a fact. 

Going back to your set up for some finishing touches, you can hear Mina preparing to leave for her shop. 

“You’re leaving, right? After this last shoot, I’ll be closing the studio for the da-” you say, hearing the door chime ring. Turning back around, you were expecting to see your friend walk out the door— **but instead, you saw him walk right in.**

“Juyeon?” your remark seemingly came out as a question. 

He gives Mina a quick thank you, while you send her a puzzled look saying _“what’s going on?”_

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, y/n. Please, don’t be mad. I promise I’ll tell you everything later. I’m going now!” she confessed and left in a hurry. 

“It was my idea. I bugged Mina to help me for weeks... and I figured I needed this appointment to get a hold of you,” Juyeon admitted.

Dumbfounded, you finally connected the pieces. 

Seeing him was painful, but somehow it was a relief at the same time. It took everything inside of you to fight the urge to hug him, hold him right then and there. You remembered the scar on his forehead, but it’s now hidden by the growing length of his hair. He looks healthy, and he looks well. 

For the same reasons you haven’t talked in so long, those memories were holding you back.

“Alright, you needed headshots right?” you said flatly.

He nods, making his way to the chair you set up. Juyeon takes a seat and patiently waits for you to start pointing your camera towards him. At least that way, you’re indirectly meeting his gaze. Deep inside, a part of you was more than happy to finally see him face to face. 

The silence was unsettling. It’s not the way you usually work, but Juyeon expected your indifference. As stubborn as you are, it wasn’t out of the ordinary that you’ll be putting up a show. 

Nevertheless, he was purely delighted to see you—and he won’t waste the opportunity to show that. 

“How are you?” Juyeon asked, instinctively tilting his head.

 _Click_.

“Alright. I’ve been busy.” _~~trying to get you off my mind.~~_ “What about you?” you replied.

_Click. Click._

“Adjusting. It’s strange having to tell people that I remember them now. I also have to go on regular check-ups in the hospital, too—a lot has changed.”

_Click._

“So, I’ve heard,” you retorted, abruptly dropping the exchange.

_Click._

**“I miss you.”**

These three simple words stopped your tracks. 

It was like a spell that paused everything. Your finger failed to click on the button of your camera, and your eyes- staring right at his angelic face right through the lens. 

Standing up straight, you lowered your camera and turned your heel. You walked outside the room and set the equipment down to get away for a second. 

“Juyeon, why are you here? I know you don’t need these pictures,” you asked. 

“I think we both know why I’m here, y/n..”

This was a scene the both of you knew all too well. Just as how you keep on pushing Juyeon away, he keeps on chasing after you. This game of tug of war and the crushing weight of fear convinces you to continue running—even when you wish you didn’t have to.

“No, Juyeon. It’s clear that whenever I’m in the picture—I hurt you. I’ve proven that time and time again. The last thing I want is to continue causing you pain.”

“And you’re really acting like you regret that day, huh. That it was some kind of mistake-” he sneered.

“Yes! It was a mistake—a costly one at that,” you blurted out, “If I could turn back time, maybe I never would have called you. I never would have asked for your help, n-never would have kissed you..” 

“If it was such a mistake, then tell me why are you still wearing this?” Juyeon takes your wrist right in front of your face, your arrow charm bracelet dangling around it. 

His countenance didn’t show any sign of anger—instead, he’s wearing an amused expression. Juyeon’s eyes focused not only on the accessory on your wrist, but also on the one wrapped around his: the same bracelet and its matching heart. 

He can see your watery eyes sparkle against the bright lights. Your gaze moved from his face to your arms, back and forth, again and again—as if your eyes had asked him if he was merely a figment of your imagination. His warm touch against your cheek brought you back into reality, his thumb wiping away the tears you’ve withheld. 

Lowering both of your arms, he holds on to the top of your head and places a gentle kiss on your temple. A smile can be felt on your skin the second you let out a comforting sigh—a response so fitting for a moment so fragile. 

“I’m sorry if I took too long. I wanted to give you some space.. and I needed that time too, time to find myself. Honestly, it was scary facing that truth- that I have been living a fabricated version of my life for five years, then waking up one day with these memories rushing in.. Time passed by and I knew you. I fell for you all over again. I didn’t need any more reasons why, but after reliving the past, reliving us—without a second thought, I was convinced my heart still chose you.”

Juyeon cradles you in, your face buried on the crook of his neck.

“You might have changed your mind, but I can tell you mine hasn’t. Just tell me the word and I’ll leave,” he promises, tightening his hold on you, afraid that you will actually go and be gone for good.

“I’m here because I’m keeping my promise; the one I made that night. Y/n, I can’t give you up this easily. Are y-you still waiting for me?”

He patiently waits for your answer, catching his breath from spilling his heart to you.

From that moment on, all you looked forward to is the start of this new chapter—rewriting the ending that haunted your regrets and sealing it with your lips.

**“I was terrified you would never come back.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it- please go crazy with me as you have always been throughout this whole journey. and from the bottom of my heart, i am really really thankful <3


	8. epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listening to... how sweet it is to be loving you by marvin gaye

> **epilogue : [2020—flash forward]**

“Are you sure you didn’t secretly pack Chanhee in our luggage to prepare this?” you exclaimed, mouth full of the stir-fried delicacy, finding it hard your boyfriend was capable of making such delicious food. 

“Babe, no- As much as he would enjoy Amsterdam, Chanhee’s not here to cook for us,” Juyeon chuckled, almost choking in response, “I swear, I’ve been improving these days. Why don’t you just appreciate my hard work?”

He looked adorable as ever attempting to get your well-earned approval. Juyeon’s effort was on full display, you can’t argue with that. And even if the food wasn’t delicious, his sulky face for sure would have won you over.

“I do, hun. That’s why I asked because I can’t believe it,” you applauded, reaching for another dish to try.

Not only did Juyeon prepare the food for the picnic, but he also went ahead and rented a bench area, where you can have the best view right next to the vast field of tulips of different sizes, different colors. No matter how many pictures you take in trying to capture the beauty in front of you, it will never compare to this. 

Planning this trip and making sure you would come to the Netherlands at a specific time of the year was not easy, but in the end, you made it—just in time for April, Amsterdam’s tulip season. 

It’s been almost two years since you and Juyeon got back together. As an early celebration, you decided to revisit one of the goals you had in mind from way back when: to visit your dream destination. 

From then till now, your admiration for this place never changed. In the way you can’t keep your legs still, pointing at all the little children running through the course, and gushing at the photoshoots happening—it was truly an experience to finally be in the place you’ve always dreamed to be in. 

Juyeon knew how much you would appreciate the gesture. He worked so hard to make it happen because, to you, this would be the most magical sight you’ve ever seen. 

_And to him, you would be his._

“Oh- I didn’t know they can play music in the middle of the field?” you pointed out, yet another reason to be in awe. 

The speakers—where the cheesy 70s love song was flowing from—were well hidden across the plane. Couples suddenly started gathering along the sea of red and oranges, swaying to the tune and basking under the light of the sunset sky. 

Juyeon offers you to dance, twirling you in place. Ended up facing your back against him, he hovers over your frame with his arms surrounding you. The wind wafts through the field of flowers and it sways like it’s mimicking the people dancing around them. 

You laughed at the thought.

> _How sweet it is to be loved by you_

> _How sweet it is to be loved by you_

“Babe—I’ll be right back,” Juyeon said, stepping away from you for a moment. 

Not paying much attention to the rustling behind, you gazed through the sweet crowd. You hear his footsteps that seemed to be going towards your table’s direction.

> _But you brighten up for me all of my days_

> _With a love so sweet, so many ways_

Then suddenly, he stops. 

Before you have the chance to turn around and look for him, Juyeon gently takes your hand and goes down on one knee. 

“Why am I so nervous- okay..” he stammered, wearing the biggest grin on his face, an expression he couldn’t peel away. 

You hold your hand to your mouth, overwhelmed by the emotions you’re going through trying to process what is currently happening. You couldn’t wait for what Juyeon had to say—but even more for the answer, he’s been waiting for. 

“Y/n, the first time I had asked you this question years ago obviously did not go as planned. And you know, ever since I jokingly thought it was because I had no ring- ” Juyeon laughed. 

> _You were better to me than I was to myself_

> _For me, there’s you and there ain’t nobody else_

“Seven years had passed and I’ve learned so much about myself, about you, and most importantly, about us. The circumstances we found ourselves in weren’t ideal. Not at all. But if it meant we would have learned to accept our differences and grow stronger through thick and thin—I wouldn’t change it for anything else,” his hands were slightly shaking but his voice remained calm. Juyeon caressed his thumb against your knuckles. 

“I will never forget the day you told me why you loved tulips. You wished that someday—just as how these flowers threw this country in shambles—you would be able to find love so magical that it would be worth the risk. So y/n, right now I’m asking you if I can turn that someday into today.” 

Juyeon takes the small box from his pocket and pulls out the ring inside it. 

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes—a hundred million times, yes!”

Without even waiting for him to slip the ring on your finger, you bent down to kiss Juyeon as he slowly got back up on his feet. His laugh breaks the connection between your lips when you two hear loud cheers come from those around you.

“I wish I brought those letters- you know, this might be my happiest moment yet,” Juyeon whispered.

Knowing what you really wrote in that, you couldn’t help but laugh, “Should I just tell you now? Out of the four, that letter was the shortest—it’s actually ridiculous how simple that message was.”

“Oh really?” Juyeon’s curiosity piqued based on your response.

“So it was titled, ‘On our happiest day,’ right? And you said this might be that moment? ”

Juyeon eagerly nods.

**“Then, let’s have more.”**

> _I wanna stop and thank you, baby_

> _I just wanna stop and thank you, baby_

The ring fits you perfectly. 

Under the setting sun, you continued to dance the night away, unable to wake up from this fever dream of a moment. But holding the man that made you believe in something left unseen reminded you this is not a dream you have to wake up from. 

> _How sweet it is to be loved by you_

> _How sweet it is to be loved by you_

> [2018 — Juyeon’s pov]

**nostalgia.**

_noun; a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past_

The question, “tell me something about yourself?” has got to be the worst question to ask someone who lost all their memories.

But for some strange reason, I had an answer.

“Tulips are my favorite flowers.”

How did that come to be? I don’t know. Still, in the midst of this mystery, I found comfort in knowing this fact, making Everland’s tulip field an odd familiar place and a doorway to my past that I couldn’t seem to unlock, for now.

“I’m sorry!” you said, after you bumped into me, distracted by the flowers you seemed to be so endeared by.

I told you it was all good, but you kept your head bowed in apology and I figured you couldn’t catch a glimpse of my face. 

Thankfully, I saw yours.

A little girl, dressed in a ballgown, was walking right next to you. “Miss y/n, why are you the excited one to be here? I’m the one getting pictures taken..” she asked, pouting her lips in confusion. 

“I just really missed this place. I haven’t been here in a long time,” you sighed.

“It’s not like this is Disneyland. Miss, you’re weird. I go here often, tulips are not that special,” the little girl comments, scrunching her adorable face.

I was silently laughing at this conversation I’m eavesdropping from. Who knew four-year-olds can be this snarky? Occupied by my own amusement, I had missed most of what you were earnestly explaining to the kid, failing to comprehend most of what you said except for one word.

_“… **tulipomania**..”_

Something in the air changed the second I heard you. 

For years I have read article upon article, listened to any expert that can give me any explanation describing what it’s like to trigger a memory—but none of it can authentically compare to the way you invoked a recollection I didn’t know I have with just one word. 

Even in that brief encounter, you left a striking impression on me that I made a promise to myself.

“I’ll remember you, y/n.”

Maybe it’s the way you radiated such genuine energy, the way your laugh easily rang to my ears, or the way you enjoyed working with the little girl—you were pulling me in. I wouldn’t be surprised if we knew each other in my past life, with hindsight, I realized how much closer that is to the truth.

The peculiar instance of experiencing nostalgia used to be a concept I couldn’t grasp—until I met you that morning. 

_“…meet my fiancé, Juyeon.”_

When I saw you standing right in front of me, it was like the last five years finally made sense. For the first time, I knew what it was like to see a familiar face.

“Sorry, but do I know you?” 

“No, no I do not,” you answered.

But I smiled when I asked you that question—because y/n, yes. 

**Yes, I do.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND we reached the finale of once more. wow! i can’t believe i was able to check this thing off my checklist- starting and actually finishing this big project. y’all have probably heard me say that this prompt has been my dream to write for so long and for so many times.. and all of you reading this right now, you’re the biggest reason why it’s possible. thank you so much for making the last month i’ve spent writing this, crying over this, screaming over this, so memorable. here’s to more fics to come! i love you all and your support truly means the world to me. thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for your support, it all means the world to me !
> 
> tumblr: cuppasunu


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